If you come from a family that encourages every member to succeed, hoisting its kin on loving arms toward their destiny, then few of the following ideas will make sense to you. (And, also, where do you live and what do they put in your drinking water?!) Everybody else, please keep reading.
A few years ago, I found myself in a beauty salon in Detroit, getting my hair done by an edgy-looking rocker chick in her early 30s. My hairdresser was full of life, and I liked her spirit right away. But when I mentioned that I'd flown in that morning from New York City, she seemed suddenly overcome with sadness.
"Ah, New York, " she said wistfully. "It's always been my dream to live there, even for just a year."
"You should do it!" I said.
"I could never, " she said. "It's too far out of reach."
"No, it's not!" I pushed. "People move to New York City every day! There are planes, trains, and buses heading from Detroit to New York every hour. There's probably one leaving right now! You're young—go!"
"I wish I could. I'm suffocating here. But it'll never happen."
I have an internal alarm that goes off whenever I hear people talking about dreams that will "never happen, " so of course I had to request further details.
"My family keeps me trapped here, " she explained.
"Oh, you're married?" I asked.
"Taking care of an elderly relative?"
"No, " she sighed.
"So what's the trap?"
"I come from a big family, " she said, "and we're really close, so I can't really ever leave."
And I thought, Ah, the crab bucket!
The first time I ever heard about the "crab bucket" was from my friend Rob Bell, an author, former pastor, and frequent public speaker. He was taking questions after an event when a woman in the audience said, "I'm making all these important changes in my life, and I'm growing in so many new and exciting ways, but my family is holding me back. They seem threatened by my need to evolve, and I don't know what to do about it."
Rob replied that her family was threatened by her need to evolve. She was disrupting their world view. Sometimes a family believes that stability depends upon keeping people in their correct place, he explained. If you dare to move from that place, you've challenged everyone's sense of security. Some families are just like a big crab bucket—whenever one of the crabs tries to climb out and escape, the other crabs will grab hold of him and pull him back down.
Some lucky folks come from fabulous crab buckets—ones where the inhabitants form a helpful ladder for the most promising crustacean to climb up and out. But some come from crab buckets where an attempt to leave is met with a swift, clamping claw to one's little crab ankle (or whatever crabs have instead of ankles).
In families, a crab bucket mentality can create the worst kind of loyalty—an honor code that forbids anyone from changing or growing. (The mentality being "If I can't get out of this crab bucket, nobody's getting out of this crab bucket.") I've also seen crab bucketing happen in peer groups, when friends subvert one another's efforts at transformation. I know someone who was committed to losing weight, but when her coworkers relentlessly mocked her healthy food choices at lunch, she finally caved and rejoined them in their junk food binges. At which point she was instantly accepted back into the tribe.
That's where we have to be really careful, because the threat of losing our tribe can be so scary that we might sabotage ourselves to avoid testing the limits of our clan. But if you have a dream for your life, then a crab bucket is no place for you to remain. If you feel like you're suffocating, it might be time to fight your way out.
And as you're crawling out of that bucket, take one last look behind you. Do you see a young and ambitious cousin crab of yours, perhaps, desperately trying to climb that wall to freedom, too? Reach down and pull her out with you. Together, maybe the two of you can go form a new family somewhere, a place where you are no longer held back by the needs and sorrows of others—but instead get to march (sideways or otherwise) toward the miracle that is your own right life.How to bleach your tips? What does justle mean? how to shut down google chrome helper How to rename a file in linux? What does swarthy mean? What is caucasian mean? What are god's promises? What antihistamines are safe for high blood pressure? What are articles? What is the meaning of idl? What is the meaning of the tire size numbers? What does it mean if you dream about your ex? What does net 30 mean? How to read a micrometer? What is the meaning of a circle? electrician helper how to become electrician Tips on how to speed up ps4 downloads? What you know about love meaning? What kinds of yo yos are best for tricks? What does stable mean? What does abg mean? How many votes to impeach the president senate? How to make spaghetti squash? How would people like to be treated and trained to do tricks? How to remove accounts on instagram? What does yellow boogers mean? How to judge vape tricks? How to get rid of a uti fast? What is a blue waffle? youtube download helper how to subtitles What is the meaning of leaching? What does tps stand for? How to grow mushrooms? What a good tricks for halloween? How to become a landlord? What is cabal for microwave perfect with tricks? Tricks how to re use a xbox card? Who admires me on instagram meaning? How ti use mind tricks to ignore flea and bedbug bites? What is the meaning of economics development? how to make box hamburger helper vegetarian How to cancel paramount plus? Why do i attract spiders spiritual meaning? Which statistic indicates how often a click has led to a conversion?? How to get a title for a car? What does trademark mean? What does lame mean? What does eow mean? How to make dog throw up? How to prevent hangnails? How to create a logo? What is population mean? How to check if your phone has a virus? What does it mean when you dream about someone sexually? What does a fox symbolize? What does hyd mean in text? What are the stages of degenerative disc disease? How to cook beef steak tips? what is wild tangent helper How to change instagram profile pic? What does salute mean? How to turn off windows defender? What time does the beauty supply store close? How to paint glittery tips? How to draw a face step by step? What is the meaning of the word adore? Vape tricks how to do? What does helio mean? What are large q tips used for? How to teach a dog fun tricks? What is the meaning of the movie wonder? How to make money online fast? How to animate on procreate? How to prevent? How to dial international? How to create a group on iphone? How to make homade magic tricks? How to save money tips? What does a high risk pregnancy mean? How to know if you have hiv? Tricks on how to not get prrgnant after sex? How to make bacon in the oven? What does troke mean? What does naturally essenced mean? How to make a shirt on roblox? How to do acrylic nail tips at home? What does that's cap mean? What is the meaning of the name biden? How to do each of trials tricks? How to recover deleted emails? I can't imagine what you are going through meaning? How to turn off tool tips in minecraft? What does camilo's room look like? What language does philippines speak? What is the meaning of petit? Tricks of the rich: how to make, grow and save money? How to make $1000 a minute jack chapman tips? what is epic web helper Tips when drawing chibi animals?